It's time you guys. It's bachelor Monday. Ok technically it's bachelorette Monday but that doesn't flow as well mmmmmk?
Now I have an important question to ask you. Are you here for the right reasons?
If you watch the bachelor franchise you've rolled your eyes at least 7 billions times at that line. But with the current relationship status between social media and advertising now I feel like it's about to get reallyreallyreal. Like how the hell is my girl Rach gonna know who is there to marry her? It seems like everyone from the show is now instafamous and I'm not hating (I'm jealous). They are all jet setting all over the world and getting everything under the sun sent to them.
Do you think I could convince my husband to let me go on? I mean there hasn't been a married person on there yet right? THAT would be the MOST dramatic season ever. I think what happens though is that we (bachelor nation y'all) get attached to these people who have bared their soul or at least their abdomen to us and when they don't end up with the bachelor or bachelorette we feel invested in finding out who they DO end up with. So we follow them on social media, making them "instafamous" and next thing you know they are showing us exactly what we were wondering. Not who they are dating silly, what is in their FabFitFun box! For. the. love.
I love how they start with "since you were all asking what my favorite thing in my box was"
No. No one has ever asked this.
Ok back to ma girl.
I freaking loved Rachel. Frankly, I'm annoyed that it's even a thing that she's the first black bachelorette. Hi 2017, that's all I've got to say about that. I loved her from day 1 of Nick's season but I did not see them together. I've watched most seasons of this terribly fabulous show and I called 3 out of the final 4 from night one. That's never happened before and it didn't help me win my bachelor pool but I was still impressed. I so wrongly wrote Raven off because I didn't think the fame searching city boy would spend much time with Miss Arkansas. But Rachel was definitely too smart for him. He tried to be fancy drinking scotch or whatever but Rachel is the limited edition reserve.
Ok lets see what we're working with.
These gentlemen are certainly here for some extremely bizarre reasons...
Jonathan, I pray that abc paid you at least $500k to agree to this god awful absurdity. He is obviously a plant for entertainment and is someone I can just write off as a freebie for my bachelor pool.
Wtf is a whaboom?! I'd google it but I don't want to ruin the surprise for myself. Again, what does it take to get these men to agree to this?! They must really be into fabfitfun boxes.
An aspiring drummer? Bro, if you bang on your drum all day just call yourself a drummer. My 10 month old is already beyond aspiring.
Jesus Kenny. What's the over under that he shows up in wrestling garb and makes a joke about body slamming Rach? This is the kinda guy that makes me wish there was a dud button that just dropped him through the freshly watered mansion driveway.
Dean, I'm going to need to see your license and registration cause I'm pretttttty sure you're not old enough to drink. And ya know there's a lot of drinkin about to go down. Rach is not looking for a boy toy.
Milton. When your mother named you such, I am sure she had greater aspirations for you than to be overseeing the drunk spring breakers volleyball tournament. However, since this activity is sure to take place this season maybe you have a slight advantage of taking home that group date rose.
If there's one thing I'm sure of, it will be the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER. I'm so freaking excited. Ok I need to go study for my bracket!