So it's infertility awareness week. Those words always strike me as ironic because if you suffer through infertility, you would do anything to have a moment of unawareness.
You're peeing on sticks maybe daily, tracking everrrrrrything your body is or isn't doing.
Ultrasounds could be DAILY. Oh blood work too. Not a fan of needles well you better become one quick!
Vitamin this, vitamin that. This person in Siberia got pregnant by eating only clementines on the 3rd Tuesday of every month. I should try that!
Was that a cramp? I'm getting my period. My boobs hurt. I'm getting my period. I'm sick to my stomach, I'm getting my period. Let me consult my Dr. Google. Oh wait, that can be implantation symptoms tooooo. Omg I might be pregnant. This is it, I know it. I'm pregnant. I can will this to be true. I'll be happy and peaceful and this will be it. Go to bathroom. I got my fucking period. My body is broken. I am broken. This is never going to work and now it's another month of this. I can't do it. Why can't my body do the one thing it's meant to do? Why do crackheads and terrible people get to do this? Why why why why why?
The hormones you guys. The hormones. As if the experience alone isn't enough, many women are being pumped with different hormones doing all sorts of crazy shit to them. Then, that one might not work so next month try a different crazy shit. So essentially you're just layering hormone on top of hormone. Have you ever experienced pms? Multiply your worst month by anywhere between 5 and 87 bajillion times.
Gain weight (oh hey super fun hormonal drugs!)
Act pregnant - I won't drink, I won't eat sushi, I won't even have a turkey sandwich. That'll do it.
Don't act pregnant- screw this drink till it's pink (the pregnancy test)!
Plan a vacation
Definitely don't plan a vacation
Order a bigger size bridesmaid dress just in case
Get bridesmaids dress taken in
Try not to kill the well meaning friends & family who suggest you stop thinking about it. Or that it will happen. Or have you tried xyzzzzzzzz?
It's like a part time job, my god sometimes it felt like a full time job.
1:8 y'all. 1 in 8 women go through this. Or their own version of this.
The good news, that's gone down from the previous 1:7.
Bad news, that takes away from my second 7 symbolism.
Ok so the good clearly outweighs the bad here. Seriously though that is great news, I'm so grateful for that jump in the right direction.
Infertility is a bitch. There's just no nice way to put it. I still hate the word. I'm pregnant (N-O I am not now but I was when I started writing this) yet even with a baby growing inside of me I felt infertility.
Once you experience it, it doesn't go away. I had this lump in my throat as we shared our pregnancy announcement on Facebook. Of course I was excited but half of me just wasn't. SOMEONE was going to see that and say dammit another one. SOMEONE is thinking why can't this be me. SOMEONE might have cried. SOMEONE might have felt defeated. I knew we deserved our moment to share and celebrate but it didn't stop me from thinking about my people the whole way. Honestly it has never stopped. Every picture or "mom" related thing I share, it crosses my mind. Every. Time.
I became bolder about sharing what we were going through as time went on. It was difficult, not for me to talk about, but for others to hear. And I get that, because we don't talk about it. And I get that, because it hurts. But for me, it hurt more to not talk about it. I think it's a personal choice but my one motivation was to take away some of the shame, the embarrassment, the stigma around all of this. Take one for the infertilemyrtle team. If you don't want to share that is what you need to do to take care of you, but if you feel like you can't share because of what will be said back to you well then society this is your alert. We have to do better because think about how many women the average person encounters a day, how many of them are suffering from this in silence?
Now with an almost 10 month old you might be surprised how much I still feel infertility. It's kind of like a lens that you can't help but look through once you've seen it. I won't stop talking about it. I won't stop doing my part to raise awareness and support. We can do so much better for one another. To my 1 in 8, I hear you, I see you, I'll fight for you, I'll cry for you, this shit is hard. It's brutally hard but there's so many of us that have your back.