how infertility feels on mothers day

I know you're probably afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Maybe you've been snapped at and caused tears when you've said the wrong thing even though you thought about it first and it sounded good in your head.

Maybe you weren't spoken to for a couple of days, maybe longer. 

I know. I know

But she's going though a lot. Soooooo much.

This day is the worst. Anyone experiencing infertility is reminded that they're not yet a mother everyday.  Mother's Day hurts every single crevice of our heart. Our bodies are not doing what they were made to do, and then there's this day that we would give up every ounce of our sanity (we probably are) to get to celebrate. If she has been going through this for a while, last mother's day she might have assured herself that by this year it'd be over. She'd have that baby in her arms, or at the very least growing inside of her. Bargaining for survival.

Yes it's a risk to say something. But if you're thinking of her, it's my 2 cents that you should tell her. 

Maybe it's that simple. I like to sometimes come right out with what I'm afraid of. 

"Hey I don't want to say the wrong thing but I just want you to know I'm thinking of you today"

Write her a letter about what a great mom she's going to be.  Or tell her, but be warned your chances of waterworks increases here. 

Get her all of her favorite foods. All of 'em.

Get her favorite movie cued up. Maybe a few.

Plan her favorite activity which ideally isn't also at a place where everyone is celebrating Mother's Day.

{ Bottomless mimosas sounds like a good idea but don't go out to brunch Sunday!} 

If you're going to be around other people, do her the favor of reminding them that this day is hard for her. Maybe they'll go easier on her when she asks them to pass the fucking macaroni salad. They also don't need to comment when she has 3 servings of dessert. Ya know, things like that. Not speaking from experience or anything. 

Remember, 1:8 women experience infertility. Even if you aren't one of them (or you're a man reading this THANK YOU) sharing this article on social media could let someone that you don't even know is suffering feel like you've got their back. You'd be surprised how helpful that can be in a sea of Happy Mother's Day posts.

If you are or have gone through infertility and want some support, we've started a private group on facebook. It's a safe place to vent, chat, and just be amongst others that know what you are going through. I asked them what else they would include in this list and they shared the following :

One had a friend offer to give her a theraputic facial this week knowing it was going to be a tough one. LOVE THAT! You know what I think is even more amazing than the actual facial, the fact that she thought of this proactively, before this tough day even happened! So much love!

Some made the choice to celebrate with their moms on a day other than Sunday, because they know Sunday they just need to take care of themselves. Self care or in this case even self preservation is important! 

Don't say "it's your turn next year" or "you're going to be a great mom someday" or "it's going to happen for you eventually." We know you have the best intentions, but those things hurt because you don't know that this will happen, it might not and that is our biggest fear. 

Here's the thing, it might all piss her off. None of it might look like it was a good idea at all and you are cursing the stupid blog lady. It's probably what you think is a lose - lose situation. But I am confident that even if she's not aware of it just this second, that she is thankful that you are acknowledging her struggle. That you are recognizing that this is real. That you are trying to make it better even if you can't. 

Thanks for making it allllllll the way to the bottom! Come back Monday for my first ever giveaway! 

keep swimming momma

We had Luca's first swimming lesson Saturday. I won't even get started on how that is possible because that is not what I'm here to chat about today. Did you know that it's easier to get tickets for Adele than into a infant swim class? It is.

Anyways, We are headed to the beach this summer so I had already been through postpartum bathing suit shopping. Finding one I didn't hate wasn't as terrible as anticipated but it shows a bit more up top than I thought appropriate for the ol' YMCA. So I found a much more appropriate and less flattering one for these weekly lessons. All last week Nick would talk about how excited he was for the first lesson and every time my mind went to having to put that bathing suit on. Damnit. I was robbing myself of this excitement and experience. I realized this and hated it but that didn't make it stop. I remind myself how freaking blessed I am to have been able to grow a human. I was not blessed to be one of those people that just bounced back like it never happened. Have you seen my kids thighs?! I thought I was ravenous when I was pregnant, that was nothing nothinggggg compared to my breastfeeding hunger. One of my insightful friends reminded me that my body isn't really mine right now and what a beautiful sacrifice that is. I can look at her and feel that way, but when looking at myself, why can I not give myself the same grace?

If you've never had the pleasure of visiting the zoo that is the family locker room I can assure you that most likely no parent is worried about what any other parent looks like. Everyone is wrangling their own monkeys. I thought I spotted the husband of an old friend that had a baby around the same time as I did. Instead of being excited about a potential familiar face I had an instant knot in my stomach because thanks to Facebook I know she looks amazing. Again, robbing myself of joy. Ugh. 

Nick and I were the only parents to both accompany our kiddo into the pool. This wouldn't surprise anyone that knows us, but it did surprise me that we were the only ones. Enough that I had to ask the instructor if we were breaking a rule.  The majority of others were brought in by their dads. I noticed this only when counting to see if were in fact the only dipping duo.

There obviously could have been plenty of reasons that the mommas weren't in the pool. Plentyyyyy. Feeling uncomfortable in a bathing suit might have absolutely nothing to do with it. I could be SO totally wrong (and god I hope I am) but I am inclined to think otherwise.

Here's the thing. I couldn't tell you about any other person in their bathing suit. I probably couldn't pick a single other person in that pool out of a lineup. I was so wrapped up in my little man. I'm so glad I got over myself and got in that damn pool. 

I'm not proud to share any of this but I know I'm not alone. We are our own biggest critics and we need to cut this shit out! Oh mommas, we grew people. Living, breathing, laughing, swimming little people. We're superheroes no matter what size swimming suit you're rocking this season. Don't you forget it. Get in the picture, get in the pool because this moment will pass with you in it or not. Be in it! 

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How freaking awesome is badass momma Emily Quinn Brumback from Indiana?! She posted this pic of her Wonder Woman suit that she'll be rockin this summer. I want to be like her, won't you join me?!